Megnificent!

#2 Self Exploration (x2 [extra credit])

I also literally map my course. With travel journals and maps. 

Both chart my progress, over time and space and distance, and feed off of each other. 

#1  Parameters

I created this piece experimenting with mixing printing ink oil paint salt, sawdust (mixing with some flower petals). This experimentation led to the creation of a larger piece honing the textural techniques I discovered. 

#2 Self Exploration 

Mapping myself in the form of to do lists and lists of adjectives is something i do often, charting a course, dreaming and tryign to define myself. 

#3 Notion of Home

an exploration of home.

it’s not where you are 

it’s how you are 

when you are loved, wanted, understood

when you are at one with a place, a space 

not where you sleep 

or store your things 

i am at home on the beach 

where my friends are, which is all over 

 in a photobooth, for example

where i can be myself, connect 

walk around naked, literally and metaphorically. 

#15 Identity

Like Louis Bourgeois and a lot of artists, I am burdened by the weight of a tumultuous and traumatizing childhood. My main bastion of strength and source of retreat and comfort as a child was my grandpa. From the beginning he was there for me, he was my main caregiver while my parents worked when I was a babe. He saw my first steps. Memories of the walks we took when i was just a munchkin are still vivid and fond. He once saved my life when I stumbled upon a wasp nest, protecting me he was stung all over his body. When I was banished or broken down, he always toook me in, let me sit on his knee and rest my head on his shoulder, even into my teen years. He would calm me down and remind me to hold my tongue and dry my eyes, that some things aren’t worth the fight and they too shall pass. He was always such a strong man with a heart of gold and a twinkle in his eye. His guidance helped to shape the person that I am today, and to help me to navigate successfully through the rough patches. I took this all for granted and was a selfish child, it wasn’t until his death that i fully realized how grateful I am to have had a grandpa like him. After he died I struggled a lot with guilt and the fear that i would forget him, forget his face and his sayings. In order to keep him alive in my mind, to honor his spirit, and as a simple meditation on all he meant to me, I created this series of portraits. 

#11 Perceptual Cramp

When I have been uninspired I’ve done some terribly unhelpful things to get ther. I would get to thinking that I am an uncreative person and that I have nothing positive to contribute and that all of my ideas are crap. I would negate ideas before they even have a chance to be realized. I would  even negate ideas after I have halfway actualized them. Then feeling overwhelmed by a deadline I’ve gotten into a place of despair and hopelessness where I’ve slept in, gorged on junk food, contemplated suicide, chainsmoked, felt sorry for myself, paced around, looked at people on facebook and felt shitty for not being as awesome and productive as them. 

THEN

I started perceiving these habits as past tense. Not as things that I do, but things I have done that have not worked, and I started to try new things to get in the zone. Adopted some more realistic thinking, realized that by simply beginning, which is the hardest part, I will have begun something. Instead of putting tons of pressure on myself to be perfect and have grand ideas, I pick one and see where it leads. Instead of feeling constipated, i grab a brush or a pen and start working through the feelings. Being a pre-art therapy major you’d think I would have figured this out sooner, but i’m pretty hard headed. Drawing a mandala of how you’re feeling helps to frame the excercise, but i also like to just let it all hang out.  Colors help, as i mentioned in the previous self portrait post, just getting out the feelings in lines and colors, working through the anxiety, and getting into a more creative state of mind help me to relax and focus, to reflect on my feelings without reacting to them with negative behaviors. Taking the few moments to draw or paint it out really helps. Also, drawign monsters is a great way to loosen up that i learned in middle school, a key to open up the left brain,a s is blind contour drawing, hula hooping, listening to music and singing. the coffee and cigs still help too sometimes, in moderation. 

Thinking more positively and working the imagination muscles daily, being silly and talking about ideas, communicating with others and getting out of your head on the reg definitely makes it easier to be creative when it comes time to complete a project. Meditation helps with focus and perseverance as well. I’ve learned to love problem solving and failure, to use mistakes and setbacks to fuel my passion and try again, and to stick with the project. Before, thinking of projects as heavy tasks I didn’t know how to do just made them hurt and discouraged me from beginning. Now I try to rise to the occasion, think of it as a fun opportunity, a puzzle, remember how blessed I am and do things with an “ahhh” instead of a “unghh”. 

#2 Self Exploration 

Mapping myself in the form of to do lists and lists of adjectives is something i do often, charting a course, dreaming and tryign to define myself.